| “I
would swim over the deepest ocean, The deepest ocean to be by your side. But the sea is wide, and I can't get over. Neither have I wings to fly. Oh, if I could find a handsome boatsman To ferry me over to my love and die.” ~ Carrighfergus, traditional Celtic ballad |
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The idea
that grief can become transformed and then
evolve into a positive experience may be unfathomable. Until such a
transformation begins to happen, it can seem impossible to imagine
anything good coming out of such pain. People who think they mean well
may tell us that
“it’s time to get over it” because they
find our
grief too painful to witness or be around. But their words, from
religious sentiments to outright demands, fall to the ground,
neutralized by the forcefield of our pain.
.
. . . . . . . . . .
Many people
are aware that they cannot return to the
known past, but are afraid to let themselves move forward into the
unknown. Trapped by this fear, where can we go? We need go no further,
for we are already in the reality of the present, which is all there is
anyway. Grief evolves by our staying with it in the present moment as
consciously as possible. Paradoxically, this seemingly non-movement is
actually subtle but real inner movement through the grief. We have the
choice of
avoiding the grief, which keeps it activated but static, or to move
with it and through it, which transforms it.
.
. . . .
. . . . . .
It was true that I had a small circle of caring, concerned friends who
knew that I was suffering in my bereavement, and they all made
themselves unconditionally available to me. But my pain wanted none of
their company. It wanted only release, and it seemed to make sense at
the time for me to take my life into my own hands and effect my own
transition. It was inevitable anyway, so why not get an early start? I
knew from my intimate experiences with the Risen that there
wouldn’t be any judgment whatsoever against me if I killed my
body. And yet something within me struggled against such an act, and I
could not determine why it simultaneously felt like both a positive and
a negative undertaking. Confused, I finally came to a place where I
could do no more than simply rest, unable to rationalize any
further.
While
I rested, someone Greatly
Risen began sharing insight
about the issue
of self-exiting.
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